kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
does kat ever have good luck

the answer to that question is a solid "sometimes it is admittedly less bad than usual"

guess what

this is not one of those times.

R.I.P my car :( the frame just like...exploded while i was driving at fucking 75 mph on the interstate. I thought a tire blew out but when I pulled over to assess the damage, the whole rear driver's side was just busted. Pieces of the rear driver's side door are gone. You can see right inside to the rear axle.

Like. This car is only 11 years old. No accidents. What could even cause the frame to just go kablewy like that?

Oh yeah and yesterday I decided to move back in with my parents because I (already) have too many fucking bills, and I have had no luck finding a roommate. And this morning I tried to donate plasma, which I do on the reg because hey, tax free income, but my veins, which were already doing not great, were like nope, not having it. In either arm. And now the fucking car blows up. No money, no car, and two new bills showed up this week and one of them was not a prospective car payment.

I don't even know anymore. I really fucking don't.
kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
Everyone seems to be forgetting that the Supreme Court upheld the ACA as well as marriage equality. Thanks b/c I was genuinely worried now that I have a lifelong medical condition which requires routine labwork and medication.

Surgery itself was successful. I am sans goiter, can breathe normally and the incision is healing beautifully. I shouldn't have a bad scar at all.

Other than that I feel like microwaved crap and have been assured by the thyroidless ppl on the internet that this state of affairs will continue for the next couple of weeks until my body adjusts to its altered state. Still waiting to see an endocrinologist :/ and my follow up with my ENT was moved up to Monday because of me needing to go to the ER the day after I was discharged; my calcium levels got too low and you have no idea how sick that can make you :(

Seriously, this sucks.
kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
Long time, no post. Shit has happened (a lot of shit has happened), so in no particular order of importance:

-I am an aunt again, and oh my god baby is adorbs. he has red hair! The first and only redhead in the family. It sucks that my sis and bil live about four hours out of town, but they hope to be able to move back here this summer

-found a place to move into, comes with a washer/dryer hookup, and I SCORED A FREE WASHER AND DRYER. Seriously almost all of my appliances and furniture I've gotten for free or super cheap, this is one area of my life I am consistently lucky, yay small mercies.

-okay so when I bought health insurance I picked the best plan I could afford because I knew I was going to actually be using it preventatively as opposed to if I was ever in an accident or something. I had a couple of (I thought) minor health issues that I thought I should probably get checked out before they became major health issues. Found out I have been living with a torn ACL for almost two years, so I have to wear a knee brace and do physical therapy and I also had to get shot. In my knee. I'm not normally weird about getting shots but when sharp pointy things are meant to go in places that my brain says they should not be able to penetrate it kind of is freaky. Eugh that was not fun.

There was also the issue of me getting really, really out of breath when I exercised, which at first was like, duh I'm out of shape, but then I got to the point where my muscles felt stronger, I felt like I could have kept going, but I still had to keep taking breaks because I was wheezing and completely unable to breathe and it was really frustrating. My gut was saying something is physically wrong (asthma maybe), so eventually I stopped strength training and just stuck with walking.

Also, I have nodules on my thyroid gland, which caused it to swell up massively, which I really only noticed after I started losing weight (ONE HUNDRED POUNDS SINCE AUGUST!!!). So who knows how long it's been that way. My thyroid function is totally normal, though, so my primary care doctor (who is super awesome, I love her and also her NP) refered me to an ENT, and that's when I found it's totally bigger on the inside and is starting to choke me from the inside out, hence my exercise-breathing issues. So I have to have my thyroid gland removed next Tuesday. My ENT said that if it got much bigger they might not be able to intibate me, and they definitely can't do a tracheotomy, so the timing on this, is wow. Nick of time almost.

So yeah I've been MRIed, CTed, X rayed, ultrasounded, and exsanguinated, and it all comes out to around $10,000. Just to diagnose all of this shit, not to actually treat it. And it would likely have remained undiagnosed and untreated until I totally blew my knee out and couldn't walk at all, and/or ended up in the ER unable to breath on my own, because I am unable to afford the full $235 a month that my health insurance costs.

I really kind of did not take this news well. I saw some promising info on shrinking goiters with kelp powder and iodine supplements, but seeing the CT of my trachea getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller, was really super freaky so I was like YES GET THIS THING OUT OF ME but also he has to totally slice my neck open. This will not be a fun experience, at all, but. I gotta do it. I had a couple of panic attacks over it, not even necessarily over the surgery itself, but just other things I could usually deal with totally overwhelmed me and I just ugh. But I'm good now (I think, hell I still have a week to get worked up again) but I will be good. Gonna use my vacation time at work, and file a claim with Aflac, (next on the to-do list, I fucking hate to-do lists) so money will not be a problem. Kinda looking forward to all that time off from work, tbh, even though it's not exactly for a fun reason.

'kay, bye.
kat_nic: (Madam Vastra weilding her swords)
Pretty sure I didn't get the job again. I've put off calling b/c I kept hoping that maybe it was taking so long to hear back because of the holidays. But. Yeah. Self delusion and hope can only go so far before you just have to woman up and admit you just got screwed again. I was so fucking sure this time, thanks for getting my hopes up of ever attaining something resembling financial stability while still working in a field I love, only to crush them once again.

I really think I'm starting to hate this place.
kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
Ended up going to church on Easter because I wanted to avoid conflict with my mom.

In case it wasn't blindingly obvious, I really hate going to church, because it always ends up fucking with my head. Leaving the church, especially an evangelical one, is so, so hard, because no matter how many questions you have that you never get satisfactory answers for, no matter how many strings you pull and end up realizing how much of a huge fucking delusion it all is, there's still always that voice in the back of your head that maybe they really are right about everything.

When I was a teenager, I used to be terrified all the time. I used to think that I might be demonically possessed, because that was the only explanation for the way I felt. That somehow I was God's one and only mistake, because no matter how many times I "prayed that prayer", no matter how many times I got baptized, (three, for the record) I never really felt like I had been saved. Oh, for a few weeks I would have that glowy, happy feeling that everything was going to be alright now, but the doubt always crept back in.

But the message is so seductive. And the truth is, I think I miss being a believer. I miss the way I used to feel during worship, when I and everyone else in the room would trick ourselves into believing that we could feel God's presence. I miss that feeling of belonging, of connection.

Problem is, I'm missing what I never really had, not for any length of time. Most of the years I was a believer, I was a hypocrite. I knew I wasn't really saved. I wanted to be, but I knew deep in my heart that I wasn't. I was only pretending. The one time I felt brave enough to seek counseling from a church deacon about the way I felt, I got a canned response. He told me that he believed I was saved, that he could see it in my eyes, and that he knew I was a godly young woman.

I walked out of church that Sunday feeling numb, and that's the way I spent the next two years. Spiritually numb. Until one day I realized I wasn't a believer anymore, and that I hadn't been for a while. I started to really analyze and question everything I'd been told to believe. And every question I thought of was met with "you just have to have faith," and the reminder that "blessed are they that believe without seeing". Is it just me, or does that raise some red flags?

But I still sometimes feel the pull. Even though I've seen through the smoke and mirrors, my stupid panic brain has only ever wanted someone else to be in charge. A quick fix. A magic prayer that will solve all my problems. I've already tried that and it's all bullshit, but it's just so goddamn insidious. Yeah, it is really fucking hard to walk away from it all.
kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Car't Sleep Clowns Will Eat Me)
I really need to remember a certain fact about my life, it being that anytime something even remotely not shitty happens, something really shitty will happen to make up for it.

Assistant managers at my job? They are all lovely. General manager? BATFUCK.

Yesterday he wrote me up for something that wasn't even my fault (How am I supposed to do something I didn't know I had to do? But I've been here long enough to know better? Knowledge does not make its way into my brain via osmosis) and said if it happens again I'll be fired. Best part is he had all the assistant managers in the office while he chewed me out. Dial anxiety back up to 110. I was seriously fighting a panic attack all day today because of that, and then when we just starting today's shift, he decided that before we leave he was going to have another little meeting with the cooks about how to properly make salsa and pico de gallo. One of my coworkers told me early on he's real picky about those things, and I made the last batch of salsa and it was shit, according to him. I CAN ONLY MAKE THINGS THE WAY I WAS TOLD TO MAKE THEM. He's like, no shortcuts, follow the recipe (I never even SAW the recipe, just followed the directions I was given), then when we make it the way the recipe says he decided he doesn't like the recipe and changed it. HEAD. CUTTING BOARD. So even if I go find the hardcopy of a recipe and follow it instead of the other cook's directions, I could still get in trouble again.

There's a lot more going on with him, but I really don't want to go into more detail because I'm trying to not dwell on it, but oh god I would just once like to have manager who is both competent and knows how to deal with people.
kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
I have all the luck, srsly. I thought I was going to start my new job last Tuesday, Wednesday at the latest. I had to go to some bullshit orientation (I am employed by a largish company which manages the restaurant I work for). This left me with a vague feeling of dread, wondering what the fuck I have gotten myself into. This company has its very own social network, which employees must use to access their paystubs, among other things. (This company has mandatory direct deposit. I don't even. I hate direct deposit when I am being paid shit; I much prefer the option of cashing my check so I can actually use my money that day to buy gas and groceries or whatever, and depositing the remaining cash, which will be in my account instantly. Let's not speak of the times when I might be overdrawn and prefer not to deposit my moneys at all just yet; the bank fees will keep until next payday, the electric bill, not so much.) I am apparently supposed to care about earning points. Points.

Okay, so, I can deal with that, because they also give us paid holidays, vacation time (not paid :/) and insurance (if you're full time. I don't know if I am yet.) After orientation was over, I went to the restaurant to pick up my schedule, only to find out I wasn't "in the system" yet, and they would call me the next day. I waited until about three o'clock, then I called, and I was told the kitchen manager wasn't there and he would call me the next day (last Thursday) before eleven.

I ended up calling them again. And was told I would be called back.

Then, last Friday, I finally was called back. The kitchen manager told me that he had a death in the family on Tuesday, apparently right after I left, and the soonest he could have me in to start training was Thursday (tomorrow). I'm guessing it was one of his parents and he has to put all the affairs in order.

This is a very sad thing, but oh my god the timing because there went almost an entire pay period that I did not work. And, because of this being a BIG BUSINESS with very strict training procedures, he is the only one allowed to train me and check stuff off on the great big list of things I am supposed to be trained on. My attitude in these situations is usually "fuck what the big boss says, he doesn't have to do this shit, and besides, who would know", but that is apparently frowned upon here.

So I had to swallow my pride and ask my brother and sister in law to pay my rent this month. If I had actually been able to start working WHEN I WAS HIRED I would have no problems with money. I could have paid my rent late for February, but I would have been the one paying it. But with three weeks not bringing in any income, and then earning less than I used to, I would have put myself behind on my rent for probably the rest of my goddamn lease.

And I had quit buying the unlimited talk/text/data card for my cell phone, and I ran out of data after ten days. Wah.
kat_nic: (Sanctuary: Henry)
What are you passionate about?

Please explain why you would be an excellent candidate for xxx?


So, I had that interview on Monday, and I thought I did okay. I apparently impressed the guy because I knew what the mother sauces were, (I blanked on espagnole but I remembered after a few panicked seconds ;_;) I know how to make hollandaise, risotto, and other apparently impressive stuff (all things I had to make at the awesomest job ever, sob). There was a definite look of pleasant surprise on his face. But, he said that they have a two interview hiring process. :/

And, I was making nervous small talk with the hostess, another guy came in for a job interview and she said he was the fourth person to come in for an interview that day. ;_______; And then I didn't hear back at all Tuesday so I convinced myself they're not going to hire me, and spent all day in bed, rereading Arrows of the Queen (whyyyyyyyyyy it has always been my least favorite Valdemar book), and hating myself and feeling like a failure and just. God. So today I once again pulled myself together, and came back to the library to fill out more applications, and take more bullshit assessments. Why is this so hard. :( And I really cannot face the thought of going back to the hellmouth to collect my final paycheck without having another job already. argh. (But I will, I just. hate it.)




Downside, it starts at $8.00 p/hr, however I have lived on that before (and at part time, too) and in any case, I am pretty sure I can expect at least one raise this year. Motherfuckin' yay!

eta 2

And now it's time for more anxiety and self doubt as I question whether I am actually qualified for this job, wah wah :(((((
kat_nic: (Fuck that shit!)
Reason for leaving: My ex boss is an incompetent bag of dicks. Got into an argument with boss and ragequit. Interpersonal conflict? It's complicated.

OH MY GOD I HATE THIS QUESTION SO FUCKING MUCH. At least everywhere does their hiring online now? eep.
kat_nic: (Helen running from tentacle monster)
Well, I finally quit my job. Wasn't going to, but after the bitch I've been working for screamed in my face and cussed at me and told me that every thing that has gone wrong this week has been my fault, that was just fucking it for me. I handed her my key and walked out. Hope she has fun bringing her lazy ass in at 4 AM again.

(Yes, I'm panicking now.)
kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
/pushing down the whiny post oh god

Wait, this is still me whining. OH WELL.

My boss is AWESOME, this week she took an order for 100 S'MORES (the fuck?) and she bought mini marshmallows for me to make them with. MINI. MARSHMALLOWS. 100. S'MORES.

I inadvertently made my favorite coworker laugh when I was bitching about our boss and her passive aggressiveness. LOOK JUST TELL ME TO MAKE CHRISTMAS COOKIES IF YOU WANT ME TO MAKE CHRISTMAS COOKIES, don't ask me when I am going to make them (ANSWER: WHEN YOU SAY TO ME, KAT, I WANT YOU TO MAKE CHRISTMAS COOKIES. Otherwise, NEVER.)

The fucked thing is we already do gingerbread men year-round, and I TOTALLY TOOK THE INITIATIVE and started using the Christmas tree cookie cutter I found. No, that's not good enough, I have to start making SUGAR COOKIES for Christmas as well. Blah. Give me an honest chocolate chip over a dolled up sugar cookie any day.

And oh my god it's not like I don't already have enough to do. Christmas is bullshit, IS IT NEW YEARS YET. I had two three am starts this week and stayed past 12 every day. :( And looking at the orders we have on schedule for next week I'll probably have at least two more three am starts. Why am I still doing this job. because job hunting is scary :(((


Dec. 7th, 2012 02:35 pm
kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
Twice in the last week the subject of my lack of a college degree has come up. I ran into a woman in the library I recognized (but I didn't remember her name) and she asked me about it and said I was "too smart" not to have graduated college. My mother said basically the same thing last Saturday out of the blue.

Um. This is a very sore spot for me. I haven't finished college for reasons, okay? The first time I felt pressured into going to a big ass state university, because my parents had made it clear for basically my entire life that I was going to go college*. So I hared off to the The Big City at age 17, completely unprepared and also having no idea what I was even going to college for. That was a bust, obviously; I've always had anxiety and depression problems and being out on my own, hundreds of miles from home and away from anyone I ever knew triggered it like whoa, and probably the only thing that kept me going as long I did was I discovered fandom around that time, which to this day is my preferred method of Not Dealing With Stuff.

The second attempt came a couple of years later; I stayed close to home and went to a community college (still not really knowing why I going, it was just the thing to do, and now I owe $$$ in student loans fml). At the same time my maternal grandmother became chronically ill and needed a caregiver, and as I was only doing college and not working I was more or less chosen for the job by my family.

So anyway her health problems kept getting worse, and when her illness went from chronic to fatal and she needed round-the-clock care, I ended up quitting again. Then she died, and that's when I decided to go to culinary school, which my dad was adamantly against. He wanted me to become a teacher. Uh, I know I spent all my childhood and teenage years babysitting and tutoring, but how else was I supposed to make money? I can't stand being around kids for the most part, with a handful of exceptions.

Well, the short version of that is, the only culinary school I could afford to go to with just Pell grant and Stafford loan money ended up being at another community college about 500 miles downstate, and their culinary program was run by an alcoholic with dementia, who was also creepily hitting on me and other female students. tl;dr ) So, after I got a really amazing job at a beach resort and realized I was learning TONS more on the job than that assmonkey ever taught me, I decided to quit--especially after the executive chef (who graduated from the same culinary school) was fired because he didn't know how to fucking run a restaurant, and a guy close to my own age replaced him, and he didn't have any culinary school at all. So, yeah, why am I doing this? Also there was an issue of them just not offering certain classes when I needed to take them, and the semester I decided to quit, I would have only been in one class anyway, because that was the only culinary class they were offering and I had already finished my core classes at the other college. Also, they had a public speaking requirement that sent me into a weeklong anxiety crisis and I had like, five panic attacks in three days.

Sigh. The thing is, I would really like to finish the goddamn degree, but my only options are a super expensive private college that I will never, ever be able to afford, as I can only get Stafford and Pell money (my credit's not good enough to qualify for private student loans) or another po-dunk community college. Either situation would mean going further into debt, and I'm drowning in student loan debt as it is.

*If it was so goddamn important to them the least they could have done was save money for it :/
kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
Oh, thank god I don't have to work tomorrow. :(

I am making serious for real plans to be out of here and working somewhere on the coast by next spring. I can't with my job anymore. I just. cannot. There is only so long I can quietly seethe before I snap (there is an fuckton of drama behind this; tl;dr version, I resent the hell out of the assclown who is our new head chef--it is not just me who feels this way, and INCOMPETENT MANAGERS OH MY). And I am tired of catering, oh god am I sick of it. I need to get back to being a line cook; that's what I am (or was, two and a half years ago...) really good at. Working the line, you come in for your shift, maybe do a bit of prep for your station, make the food on the tickets as they come in, then clean up and go home. With catering it's so fucking drawn out, and I know part of why I am having a terrible time sleeping is because I just can't stop thinking about my job and planning everything I have to do, also worrying that I forgot to do something important.

Guess how much I am looking forward to tomorrow in my state where it is still legal to buy fireworks? DRUNK REDNECKS + EXPLOSIVES. I SEE NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS. I really hope it rains all night tonight like it's supposed to (it's been supposed to rain all week); my parents live in the middle of the fucking woods with lots of pine trees, that in this heat wave are as dry as (for lack of a better simile) tinder. Guess where I'm spending the holiday. :/
kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)


kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
My laptop broke. Usedlaptops.com sucks, do not buy from them ever. I don't care that it broke; it came with a 90 day warranty and they're fixing it. I care that I had to pay over $60 in shipping ($18 and some change to actually ship it, $22 for the "laptop box" since even though I still had the original box it was shipped to me in, the FedEx person said if it was lost or damaged I wouldn't be able to get the declared value on it ($175) unless it was shipped in the special laptop box, and another $18-something for return shipping.) I was tempted to tell them, you know what, keep this shit, because the fifteen percent restocking fee would only be around $20.

But I need a computer. And they have the only computers I can afford.

So fuck.

And also there was much anxiety when I was emailing tech support and they wanted me to give them a phone number. I was flipping out worse than I have in a long time, and I just wanted to email back, look, software, I can figure out. Hardware, nuhuh, I'm not touching it. That's what you guys are for, just email the return authorization number to me already. I even tried to deflect by saying I couldn't use a phone right now, and they emailed back and said, well when is a convenient time for you?


But I knew it was stupid to not do everything possible to avoid spending more money, so I let them call me (better than ME having to call THEM), and then I still couldn't make it work and now I'm out sixty bucks plus the shitload of anxiety I had to process.

This has led to another round of money anxiety. Which is like the number two or three thing I worry about. And dealing with all this bullshit has completely drained my social fu reserves, and I have yet to actually start looking for a new place to live.


Okay, so the catering company I have worked at for the last 2+ years had the laziest idiot for a head cook. Not getting into that because no1curr, just trust me that this guy was a lazy son of a bitch, and I held out as long as I did with the shitty pay and shitty hours in the hope that one day he would get fired or quit, and here I am, with my year of culinary school, and fine dining experience!

This past February I ended up getting the promotion to baker, which, yeah is alright. It's more hours and more money, but my heart is not and never has been in the pastry arts, also experience in this field, I have none.

So a few weeks ago we hired a new prep cook. A male prep cook (almost all the other cooks are female). And this past Saturday the head cook quit! Actually flounced out of the job, if accounts are to be believed (and god do I wish I had been there to see it with my own eyes).

Who gets promoted to head cook? Take a wild guess.

Seriously? Seriously.
kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
I've been waffling about whether or not I want to move. I kind of want a place of my own, but then I think about how much of a pain in the ass moving is.

Well, the real estate peeps want to jack up my rent again. First, it went from $590 to $610 I renewed my lease last year. Now it's going up $640. Hell the fuck no, this dinky ~townhouse~ isn't even worth the $610. Maybe if they replaced the discolored linoleum the kitchen and installed energy efficient appliances (the fridge has rust spots on it, and when it runs it's loud). Also I'm pretty sure that any day the bathtub is going to start leaking into the living room again. And if they could please hire a painter who isn't a moron! There are holes and places where holes were plastered but not sanded down, that were painted over. We don't even have a washer/dryer hookup. It's in a good part of town (but even then this isn't some sprawling metropolis; it's a smallish Southern city), and yeah we have an extra half bathroom, but dinky.
kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
Fucking spiders I hate them. There was one on the ceiling of the stairwell. Raid + shoe. As it was dropping down from the ceiling in its death throws, I saw it was a black widow. ugh ugh ugh

Wonderful way to start the morning.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Fuck Off)
Seasonal allergies + PMS = FML. Yesterday I saw a fucking cloud of pollen drifting in the breeze.

Goddamn RLS is acting up again. :( It hasn't been so bad the last six-ish months, but now it's, argh, whywhywhy. I'll just be drifting off to sleep and then it starts. It feels, hmmm. How to describe it. Almost like a mosquito bite, but kind of ticklish at the same time. And then the random kicking starts up.
kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
So, I know that I've been so far pleased with my new roommate. We seem to get along, she pays her share of the bills and rent on time, she doesn't bother me. When she was first thinking about moving in, I told her I would prefer she didn't have her friends over all the time. I told her it makes me uncomfortable to have strangers in my home, but that it's okay to people over occassionally, as long as she lets me know ahead of time. (This is an anxiety thing, btw). And she said that was fine, that she actually felt the same way. Guess the honeymoon's over.

I went to bed kinda early and curled up with a book. Around ten I realized I hadn't fed the cats yet. So I went downstairs, and lo and behold, there she sits on the sofa, snuggling with a guy I have never met. I had just crawled out of bed, my hair was tangled, I was in my PJs, and I wasn't wearing a bra, and I'm confronted with a strange man in my living room.

OH MY GOD I HEAR THEM HAVING SEX. Fucking hell, way to respect my boundaries, roomie.


kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
the nice misanthrope

October 2016



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