kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (WTF?)

The following is a transcript of an actual phone conversation I had last night.  As I recall, my friend (who is a pastry major) and I had gotten on the subject of which celebrity chefs we liked, and it turns out we both have nothing but utter disdain for Sandra Lee, of Semi-Homemade fame. 

Me: ...And why the hell is her kitchen different in every episode?  She always has a theme, you know, and her kitchen and her outfit match the theme.  I remember the one where her theme was lemons, and she had lemons all over the damn kitchen, and made lemon chicken soup, and I kid you not, just opened a can of Campbell's chicken and stars--chicken and stars, mind you, not regular old chicken noodle, and poured lemon juice in it.  What the fuck? 

My Friend: Oh my god, did you see the epsidode where she made Kwanza Cake?

>>>It took me a moment to register this, before I started laughing.

Me: (still laughing hysterically) What the hell is a white bitch from California doing making a Kwanza cake? 

My Friend: Oh she made a Star of David too.  I guess she didn't want to leave out the Jews. 

Me: I have to ask: what is a Kwanza cake and how did she make it?

My Friend: She took a store bought Angel food cake, cut it in half, scooped out the middle, and filled it with canned apple pie filling.  The she took some Cool Whip, mixed it with cocoa powder and cinnamon, and iced the damn thing with it, and filled the hole in the center with the rest of the apple pie filling.  Then she goes and decorates it with corn nuts.

Me: (explosive laughter) Corn nuts?  Corn nuts?  Not candy corn, but corn nuts?

My Friend: Yes, corn nuts, like the beer nuts you get at a bar. 

Me: (still laughing) Oh my god, what the hell?!  Corn nuts!  Those give my dad such bad gas.  When we went on family road trips he was forbidden from eating corn nuts, because he would fart and then not roll down the windows.  I have to ask again, it was corn nuts, not candy corn?

My Friend: (laughing) Not candy corn.  And that's what I was thinking!  Everyone would get gas from eating the damn cake!

>>>I don't think I have laughed quite as hard as that in a very long time. 

weirdness

Apr. 2nd, 2008 06:58 pm
kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Wonderfalls-Pink Flamingo)
Okay, so, I subscribe to a company that sends me recipe cards, which I then file away in their handy dandy binder that basically is only good for the stupid cards. I would never have bothered with them, honestly, but They offered me a "free gift" to subscribe, a set of very nice knives (for once, instead of some cheap crap), so I figured, hmmm, what the hell? I'll buy the damn cards, just give me the knives.

The reason you need to know that is so that you understand why I received this offer from the same company a few weeks later: It's basically the same thing, only the cards have have things like wellness tips, meditation techniques, aromatherapy, etc... I was just looking through them, and I came across one that is just so ridiculous, I have to mock it.

CASTING SIMPLE LOVE SPELLS 

Casting love spells isn't about turning frogs into handsome young men (well, that's a relief). Nor do you simply pick out Mr. Right and bewitch him into your arms. Instead, Real Love Magic helps you focus on the qualities you would like to attract. The right person--whoever that might be--will then come to you.

Oh, lord. Here we go...

To attract a new lover, you will need:
-A pink candle
-Lavender, neroli, or ylang ylang oil (WTF?)
-A sheet of pink paper.

I swear, I am not making this up...

Step 1: Describe your ideal lover

When you wish to attract a new lover into your life, make a list of their ideal qualities on a sheet of pink paper. Never name a specific person, however, even if you do have a dream lover in mind. (But I want Craig, dammit. He is so hawt.)

Step 2: Annointing Oil

Mix together sensual essential oils such as lavender, neroli, and ylang ylang and rub these onto a pink candle. (Okay, my perverted mind could not miss that little bit of, um, symbolism--or is it more wishful thinking?) Place the candle over the piece of paper on which you wrote your desired partner's qualities.

Step 3: Focus on your love wish

Light your candle every evening, starting on a Friday when the moon is nearly full. For a minute or so, think of the kind of person you would like to attract (If you were really this desperate wouldn't you be already doing that more or less constantly?).

Step 4: Wait A While

While you wait for your lover to appear, keep healthy, stay happy and be patient. Your wishes can take time to reach the man of your dreams but if it's going to be good, it's certainly worth waiting for--we sometimes have to kiss an aweful lot of toads before we find the magic frog! (But make sure to use protection, please! You know, in the interest of the whole "keep healthy" part. The spell doesn't work if you contract the herp.)


***


Or, you could get off your ass and actually look for someone. I can't believe that anyone could fall this bs. Yet of course, logic dictates that some lonely moron will try it. It's just so--vague! Cliched!  Eventually the right man will come to you.  And you have to use pink paper and candles? Oh, please. The sad thing is, someone is going to try this, and just sit around waiting for a dream lover to fall into their lap, and probably ruin their chances of ever actually finding a partner.

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kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
the nice misanthrope

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