kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
So one of the things I was worried about when I started The Job was that maybe it would actually be horrible, maybe I've spent so motherfucking long trying to get it and idealizing it that it can't possibly have been worth all this effort.

Well.

Is it the greatest job I've ever had? No. (That was the job at the beach resort, which I was laid off from in 2008. Fucking republicans and their fail economic policies.) But I give it a solid Second Best.

The greatest part though, is the limited amount of human interaction I have to deal with. Come in, do the work, get the fuck out.

But fuck my brain, because I experience low grade anxiety almost every time I go to work, and it's bullshit because I have literally nothing work related to be anxious about. My trainer told me from day one that some of the pastries I made looked better than his. But the feeling of inadequacy remains. I guess just the fact that there is so much new information to absorb, even if none of it is really difficult, kind of overwhelmed me a little. I've done baking before but it was nothing close to volume of work at this place. And I guess coming from my other job, where I was kind of...a bnf? Not amongst the managers of course, but by the time I finally quit I was the oldest employee; almost everyone else had been there less than a year, so if there was something somebody didn't know, "idk ask Kat" was kind of the default response. Which, being anxious about my job now is so much more dumb now that I think about it, because I had waaaaaay more stuff to learn at my last job just to do prep, and I was actually crosstrained to work on the line, too, so wth. And my trainer has told me repeatedly that I'm doing very well. So idk I think I just wish I could fast forward to "expert" but that's not how it works, brain.

Stupid fucking brain.
kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
So the anxiety thing has been fucking awesome lately. Most of yesterday afternoon was spent alternately panicking and distracting myself (with limited success) on the internet. How the hell I managed to write just over 1000 words over the weekend, I don't know. I guess [personal profile] thene is just that special.

But it's all good now. (what happened was, I was starting to do kind of okay again, and then I got a letter from the KHEAA stating that my student loans were in default, and I was seriously freaked the fuck out over it, because my loans are supposed to be in forbearance or deferment or whatever the hell. And it took all I had to actually call the loan company and get that situation straightened out back in December, so the fact that I suddenly had this huge fucking problem of defaulting on a federal student loan, combined with the fact that I had to call the KHEAA and find out what happened and how do I fix it, yeah, I was a wreck from Thursday until today, when I finally decided to woman up and call the fuckers, before they started garnishing my wages or some shit.)

SO. Things are squared away financially so I have some breathing room. I need to woman up again and go to the welfare office and see if I qualify for Medicaid now (answer: probably). It would be nice to see a doctor and get this shit under control, because it's doing nothing but getting worse, and...there have been a few moments where I actually fantasized about how awesome it would be if I never had to leave my house. And I even thought about moving back in with my parents because it just seemed easier to live there and let them take care of things for me. Which, fucking lol, because 2010 was one of the shittiest years on record (although nothing beats the fall/winter of 2008, which was when I made that misfated decision to go to culinary school) precisely because I was living with them.

And I really hate having panic attacks, people, they suck. And what makes them worse is when they happen over stupid things. I can't even say I want my life back, because I don't ever remember a time when I was anxiety free, even as a kid. I guess that's why it took so long for me to even realize this is a problem. Because this is my normal. Fuck my brain and its fucked up chemistry.
kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
I am. So tired.

Physically tired. Mentally exhausted. There are only so many ways to block out anxiety before it worms its way around the defenses.

There are things I should do but I am afraid to do them. I am afraid to open my mail for god's sake, afraid to answer the phone. Have not checked my real life email in weeks; creating a dedicated email account several years ago for Livejournal/Dreamwidth/A03/Twitter et al etcetera was either a brilliant move or a stupid one. I have to make myself be a real girl and go the bank and the store and get things done, but all I want to do is go to bed.

The power went out last weekend; it happened while I was doing laundry so I had no clue until I came home from the laundromat (and it was really late, because doing things at night means way less people). Being in the dark, with no electricity, and only a flashlight with dying batteries, a cell phone with a dead battery, and two tea candles is a pretty damn good way to cause my anxiety to go from a steady simmer to exploding everywhere. Some really old, stupid fears resurfaced that I haven't had to deal with since 2008-ish. I was afraid of going into the bathroom, afraid of looking into the mirror, afraid of under the bed--I had to sort of jump into the bed and be in the middle of the mattress with the comforter totally around me, because all the scary things in the world are under there, but they can't get me if I'm under the covers, fuck my life, why. And that set the tone for a shitty week where I am still being overworked and underpaid.

I overcame a bit of my fear and asked the GM about the supposed cake decorating class I am supposedly taking. When she told me about it in December, she made it sound like there is already a class and if I want it I am signed up for it. Can you tell where this is going? There is no class. She said she still wants me to get the training, but she has to find a way for me to get it. Michael's (craft supply store) used to have a class, but they don't anymore. Michael's, fucking what. I told her that I knew one of the local universities had a program that was only six weeks long. Yeah, she knows about that (left unspoken, we don't want to pay that much money). Note to self: nothing good ever happens to you, ever. Treat all instances of random good luck with extreme suspicion.

I lied about having to work during the Superbowl to get out of going to a Superbowl party. My mother could not be any more transparent about the friend of my dad's who is a chef--but he's really young!--and he's a good Christian, and a chef, did we tell you! Oh my god, no, why is she suddenly deciding to be a matchmaker. She already has two married children and grandchildren. Godfuckingdammit, I have got to get out of here.
kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
I don't know why I cannot brain effectively these days.

I guess it's just that time of year, partly, and it's the fucked up weather, and I think that the combination of it feeling like spring but the days still being short winter days is throwing my mental state even more off kilter than usual. I haven't written anything since finishing Everything and Nothing. I have made some pretty awesome food but other than that, my creativity has shriveled up.

And anxiety is rearing its head again. My sleep patterns are fucked all to hell, and I might actually get to sleep only to wake up an hour later and stare blankly at the ceiling, and feel some sort of nebulous fear that there's something I should have done, something I've forgotten, and its really, really important.

Fortunately figure skating season is in full swing, so my standard method of coping by immersing myself in fandom is working. I won't post long detailed fs stuff because I know no1curr, except to say omfg I will never with the results of Canadian Nats. Never. Even though Jeremy Ten came through and got bronze after breaking his leg in the summer, fucking Chan and his fucking 302.14 points whaaaaaaaaaat. Oh my god how much do I still hate the IJS??? I could handle it if the judges handed him a bunch of 6.0s, but this is just too. fucking. much. At least the ISU isn't recognizing it internationally, so that means there is like, half a god. But still, the fact it even happened, even if only at a National competition. If he ever breaks the 300 mark in an international competition, I will seethe with rage, I swear to god.

ETA: fuuuuuuuuuuck my boss just called me and told me I have to work in Saturday. I will have to miss the US Nationals free dance and maybe also the ladies free skate, depending on how long the party lasts. :(((((((((((((((
kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
Feeling a mite bummed.  It sucks moving to a place where you don't know one single person.  I thought about introducing myself to the neighbors but it scares me.  I'm not normally very assertive, and anyway the guy across the hall had a sign on his door that said "Pest control: I work nights and sleep days, do not knock or spray".  

Once class starts and I find a job I'll start making friends and feel better.  I hope.  

God, I've stooped to applying for fast food jobs.  I just hope that some--decent--place hires me before McKing does.  Although even if I did get a fast food job I would keep looking for a better one.  Still it's been difficult today to get motivated enough to get up and about and whatnot.  That may be due in part the weather.  It rains a lot here.  But I just remind myself rent is due in 17 days.  And who knows when or how much the utility bills will be.  If I was dealing with the my old power company I know I could my bill under $100, easy.  But different companies, different rates.  Hell, they charged me $230 just get the power service switched into my name, and it would have been $380, but they did a credit check and I qualified for a lower deposit.  Still.  The other company never charged me or anyone I know more that $40 to activate service.  

But at least the library is only three miles (2.8, exactly) from where I live. 
kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
...man, it works. I slept through my alarm for fifteen minutes this morning.

Nothing is happening right now. I'm just sitting on my butt, posting this nonsense because I haven't posted in days. When will my damn books get here, sheesh? I did pick up Innocent Mage Saturday and it's pretty good. But, dammit, I need something else going on besides reading an okay book. I feel so fucking bored. I'd call a friend and go to a movie or something, but when I go to movies with people we can never agree on what to see because I'm so picky and hate anything romantic or scary. Which of course, is everyone else's favorite. If I have to sit through some inane drivel like America's Sweethearts or How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days, or worse, some gorefest like Saw or The Reaping then I'd only feel worse. I can't talk books with anyone, because no one else in my circle of friends reads. There aren't any local bands playing on a stupid Monday night, so I can't go to a bar concert. And anyway, once again everyone else's favorite bands are country, with few exceptions, and I'm not so bored (or stupid) I'd go by myself and possible attract some insane rapist even if someone I liked was playing.

The more I think about it, the worse I feel.

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kat_nic: A cat wearing glasses (Default)
the nice misanthrope

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